I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
