her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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