we made out on top of his cat.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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