Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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