You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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