I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
