How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
