I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
