david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
please come you make the beer taste better
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
