I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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