The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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