Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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