I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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