I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
