Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
