my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize