The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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