guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize