pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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