I've blown a few things in my day
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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