I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
