Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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