in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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