i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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