Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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