in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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