whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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