My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
