His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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