I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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