i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
