It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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