I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And then my night got REAL pukey
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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