i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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