Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
