Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
