That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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