happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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