I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
