Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
