At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
