R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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