Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
