So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
