He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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