I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
