how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
