Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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