I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize