i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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