All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
