I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
