There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I look better un-naked...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
