i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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