My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
