the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize