He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize