Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
