What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Randomize