drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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