it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
