is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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