Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
