I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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