so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
