a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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