apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
