Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
